soul mates ?

http://youtu.be/8dLNlDFQs0A

Defining "better"

Its not the part of being an adult that anyone ever tells you about.  From the time we are children you hear about the 'path' your life is supposed to take. You grow up, go to college, get a great job where youll meet mr perfect, pop out a few perfect children and grow old together . The D word was no where in that wikipedia description on how to do life. 

I'm wondering ....how long until that story line is rewritten by our generation.  Here I am almost 34 and I need two hands to count the amount of frends I have that are diviorce and would need to involved toes if I even ventured to count the number of unmarried friends. 

Having never been one to follow traditions, I followed the 'plan' just in a diffrerent order.  The child came before the marriage and not to sound like a horrible person but was anything but perfect. The Mr perfect facade faded faster than a pair of black jeans, and as hard as I tried to tell myself that it was what was best for my already challenging child... I couldnt do it anymore.  

You always hear friends tell each other post breakup (or in my case a large part of your 12 relationship) that you deserve 'better'. but no one can define what that Better really is. 

Maybe I need a distraction from my pre divorce life but finding what this 'better' everyone talks about is has become my new preoccupation.

So many things could be better in my life.  My son who has had behavioral issues since the first time we almost got kicked out of preschool, would be my first choice.  Unless you've ever been the parent of 'that kid' you have no idea the toll that this takes on a person.  When your constantly in a state of panic everytime your phone rings because your worried its the school calling to tell you he did something horrible again and that you need to come get him, when you've been kicked out of said school, summer camp and suspended from after care, you become almost numb to the cloud of stress that surrounds a challenging child.  

So how can this search for 'better' relate to my child.  Im not saying either of us were to blame but it can't be healthy to grow up in a house where everyone walks on eggs shells around each other.  Where adults dont know how communicate and every comment has two meanings. Sometimes I wonder if his ODD (oppositional defiant disorder which used to just be a kid being a smart ass brat) is a reflection of the communication he's grown up around.  Im not blaming his father, I let him speak to me like that until I chose to stand up for myself and truly stop the verbal abuse. I know that comment might stir some anger in people but I own my actions of not ending it sooner and in no way want to be portrayed as a victim. 

So how could this new life Im in the works of building make things better for my son.  He's moving out of the only house he remembers..a large four bedroom 3,000ft single family home and most likely into a 800 sf condo where he might not even have his own bedroom. There's so many negatives that as naive as this may sound Im not even trying to worry about them until the house is sold and its time to move. Ive even started packing and haven't even had the first showing on our house. I have a weird sense of peace just knowing that we wil be able to start over. The issue of the house was really hard on me in the beginning, the pride I felt when I bought my first house , on a little island off of Miami beach, and all by myself  before we were married) again was another box checked on the path the the 'PERFECT LIFE"

So Id say my first challenge to finding 'Better' is to be a better parent. I know Im doing the right thing by removing myself from a relationship where Im not being treated in a way that I would want my son to ever think was ok.  My STBX has always had a very interesting relationship with his family.  When we first started dating he was very open about how they were not always there for him. I would often hear him on the phone with his mother being rude and speaking to her in ways that my mother would have reached through the phone to knock my teeth out if I had even dared. I was naive to think that he would give me any other treatment. In a way I almost feel like he didnt know any better (not making excuses) and this is part of what is helping me walk away. I would never want my son to speak to me the way he sees and hears his father speak to his mother (and of corse to me)

My hope is that once my son and I are on our own, out of that enviornment some of his behavioral issues will improve. His attitude and lack of respect are scary similar to his fathers and I just hope its not to late to repair some of the damage done. 

So step one of Better Parent 

 Be more patient- I can admit it, Im not superwoman and sometimes I let the stress of work and my faily marriage burn my fuse very short.  

Be Present - The world wont stop if I dont check instagram every 5 minutes. I admit it also I let technology distract me from quality time with my son. Once we are under separate roofs I know I need to put the iphone down and spend more quality time with him. Ive used technoogy as a way to tune out from the numbness I was feeling in my relationship and its started to consume way to much of my time. 

Be Happy- The best thing for a child is happy parents and I really think that mean for us to move on with this process and get things going. I really do wish for Andrew to find happiness and hope that he can learn from this on ways to change and improve himself. 

and me ...what do I want? I want to find out what better really is.